Unconscious masking is exhausting. If you're neurodivergent, try some radical honesty instead.
In this article, we’ll explore how to start unmasking anxiety and autistic patterns, transform neurodivergent traits into superpowers, and find peace beyond neurotypical standards.
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I didn’t realise how much I was masking…
When I realised that I’d been masking anxiety, trauma response patterns and autistic traits for decades, it was quite a shock.
I don't have a formal diagnosis, but it could help explain why I’ve had repeated, persistent exhaustion (autistic burnout?) for decades.
But I mean… I’m a practitioner who helps other people deal with unresolved trauma patterns.
How the actual f**k could I have gotten to the mid-point of my life without understanding the truth - that I was using SO much energy pretending to be normal?!?
And then after a little while, I noticed the usual assumption that I’d done something incorrectly (yet again!) and started to feel liberated instead.
As I saw how the pretending had always been driven by the secret conviction that there must be something terribly wrong with me, I got a sense of new possibilities. And I started to feel excited about what I can do with all that energy in the second half of my life.
Let’s talk about how any label can become an identity, and how any identity can enslave you or set you free… and also how The Matrix movie might be a metaphor for neurodivergence 😉 So grab a hot beverage and settle in for 5 minutes.
The game of 7D Chess
To recognise my own use of masking, I’ve had to closely examine how I’ve been navigating social interactions.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: when I'm talking to somebody I don’t know well (whether it's on Zoom or in person) I’m often evaluating - in real time - how they are responding to what I'm saying.
And at the same time I'm evaluating how they responded to the previous thing I said plus I'm planning the next thing I'm going to say (based partly on all my calculations about how they've responded so far).
It's exhausting… and doesn't support great mental health.
When thinking about examples of how this has played out in my personal experience, I remembered my first year at boarding school.
I grew up in the Australian outback and had only sporadic experience of being inside a classroom with other kids before starting boarding school at age 11.
Suddenly I went from relative social isolation with only my family for company to living in a room with 18 other pre-teen girls, inside a boarding school of 200+ teenage girls.
The film Mean Girls hadn’t yet been released in 1982, but the archetype was alive and kicking at that school. Judgement and bitchy criticism were constant threats.
It felt like landing inside a female version of Lord of the Flies.
The message I heard was “fit in or be eaten alive”.
For the first six months I hardly spoke and mostly watched/listened. I was drawn to the smart-ass naughty girls and decided I wanted to be friends with them.
I learned how they talked and walked and acted… and then I copied them. I put on a “smart-ass naughty girl” mask.
After six months, I became one of them.
To some extent, I would repeat this pattern of observation and external transformation with every new job and every new friendship group. A new mask every time, until I simply didn’t have the energy to do it any more.
My teacher Kasia Urbaniak recently talked about what it’s like to have a brain that’s constantly playing “7D chess”, which felt like the perfect description for my mind.
And here’s three things I know about the game of 7D chess:
All the evaluation and planning moves are safety strategies (for me, they’re designed to avoid social rejection and being kicked out of the tribe).
7D chess is exhausting when it’s unconscious.
When I stop (unconsciously) playing that game, it gives me a massive amount of brain capacity and energy back that can be used for other things, plus a level of peace that has been rare in this lifetime and this body.
How to unwind old patterns
The first step on the path out of any habitual pattern is to see the game you’ve been playing. Awareness is always the most powerful first move you can make, because unconscious behaviours will usually persist as long as you’re unable to see them.
The second step is to call bullshit on the game and choose to stop playing.
Whenever I notice that my mind has been playing 7D chess without adult supervision, I can remember that I’m not a computer… I’m a human being with a soul.
And that means there’s always a witnessing consciousness who can take charge of that 7D chess capacity.
My brain’s impressive capacity to play the game of 7D chess can then be applied differently - for example, to:
noticing what other people are experiencing while I’m talking to them
asking more questions, and
staying curious about how their responses might create an opportunity for deeper connection.
Reframing neurodivergence
Whether it's "autism," "ADHD" or any other “neurodivergent” label, it's easy to get tangled up in these identities.
These labels are maps, not the whole territory... but they can help you navigate the terrain.
The recognition of “autistic traits” in my own behaviours and experience led me down a familiar path of researching “what people are saying about it”.
I want to understand the fundamental principles and core assumptions that underpin diagnosis, treatment and public health policy around “neurodivergence”.
(NOTE for Therapy Nerds: I’ve since learned that this cognitive style, where individual details and specific sensory information is processed in a more detailed and granular way before being integrated into a bigger picture concept or understanding, is called bottom-up processing. And it’s commonly cited as a trait of autism.)
But as my wise friend Joel Young (custodian of NPA) says, it’s very easy and seductive to get tied to an identity that is actually a whole body of consciousness.
The risk is that you end up buying into something that’s much greater than what you're originally looking to achieve by researching the area.
So instead of subscribing wholesale to these identities, I’m asking myself:
How does this map help me?
What parts of this resonate with my experience, and which parts don't?
What features of this map can help point towards my true self?
Rather than defining myself by these labels, I’m using the research to discover different potential facets of myself. Then I get to choose which of those aspects are useful.
And by the way - my research continues. I’m fascinated by the influence of environmental factors (eg. heavy metal toxicity), trauma and epigenetic predisposition in the appearance and expression of “autism”. It seems at least possible that what the medical Matrix would like to classify as a disorder might be a next evolutionary step in human cognitive development (I’ll write more about this as I learn more).
The power of your high-performance mind
Let's talk about that beautiful mind of yours.
Have you ever noticed how quickly you pick up on patterns that others miss? Well - that's not a bug… it's a feature!
One of my friends calls it my "Ferrari brain." It's like you've got this high-performance engine between your ears, capable of processing information at lightning speed.
Sure, if you push the accelerator too hard the Ferrari can quickly start spinning its wheels. And it might need servicing on a very regular basis.
But with understanding, the right fuel and ongoing care, you can harness that power and leave everyone else in the dust.
Recognising your superpowers
In my reality, my 7D chess brain was historically applied to scanning my environment for potential threats.
Trouble is that:
a) almost everything was assessed as a threat
b) there was only one possible response to a threat - contract and shut down AND
c) the contraction and shutdown happened very fast and “beneath” my conscious awareness.
The standard advice for dealing with hypervigilance around “threats” is often something like: in a world full of threats, work on turning down your overzealous awareness of threats.
An approach I’m playing with instead is something more like: There are threats… but with my 7D chess brain, I can navigate them like Neo moves inside the Matrix.
For example: what if I could use the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats (SWOT) model from business class to reshape how my 7D chess brain responds to threats?
What if heightened sensory awareness is not a weakness, but a strength?
In that model, the detection of a potential Threat isn’t a trigger for Weakness and shutdown and contraction, but instead becomes a signal to:
scan for how this situation could be an Opportunity to grow, and
consider what Strengths you can bring to it.
In this scenario, hypervigilance (something that was easily seen as a flaw) can get redirected and used as fuel for a real-time, dynamic and always-evolving capacity to respond to your environment (ie. a superpower).
This is about shifting from threat-detection to opportunity-scanning. It's about trusting that whatever life throws at you, you have the capacity to figure it out.
Then you're not vulnerable and weak in the world - you're Neo!
Instead of masking what you’re experiencing, try some radical honesty
If you’re deciding to shift focus from threats to opportunities, there’s one more (optional) step: owning what you’re seeing, feeling, thinking and sensing (when it feels safe to be more real with people).
I totally get it - the thought of being honest with other people about how you’re processing reality can be terrifying. When you’ve invested half a lifetime (or more) in pretending you’re just like everyone else, blowing your own cover feels scary.
But let’s face it: some people may already think you’re a bit distant or distracted or even just odd. Even if they’re not consciously aware of it, they can probably sense that you’re working hard just to stay in a conversation.
My opinion? Neurodivergence does not carry the same stigma as it did 10 or 20 years ago. Especially in social scenarios, you probably don’t have as much to lose (by being more honest with others) as you might think.
NOTE: In many situations, this is true... but use your discernment about where it’s safe to play with unmasking. You might like to start with the friends who love you most.
If you don’t want to label yourself, you could try something like this:
“My mind likes to play a game where I anticipate how people are responding to me. I’m aware right now that there’s a lot of thinking going on while you’re speaking to me, and I’m just bringing my attention back to what you’re actually saying. Because I’m really interested in … (whatever they said) … and I’d love for you to tell me more about that.”
That’s a real example of how I’m playing with being more honest about social anxiety and turning it into an opportunity for deeper connection.
What The Matrix can teach us about neurodivergence: seeing beyond the social algorithms
What if - just like in The Matrix movie - our reality is built on algorithms… societal and cultural expectations that conform to predictable, static patterns?
And what if those of us with “neurodivergent” brains and excellent pattern recognition abilities are actually better placed to read those underlying patterns, recognise the “rules” of the system and then choose which rules to follow and which to transcend?
In other words - what if we are the most likely candidates for exiting the Matrix?
Do you remember the moment in the movie when Neo realises he can see the code that creates the system?
Everything turns from pictures to numbers as he sees the underlying patterns…
and then he becomes BULLETPROOF...
because he’s more powerful than Agent Smith and all the other machine algorithms can ever be.
Strength training for your unique mind
So, how can you turn your theoretical superpowers into practical strengths?
It's about awareness and practice.
Start by becoming aware of your thought patterns. When you feel overwhelmed or anxious, pause and ask yourself:
"Am I in charge of my 7D chess capacity right now, or is it running on autopilot?"
Practice redirecting your incredible pattern recognition skills. Instead of constantly scanning for threats, try scanning for opportunities.
What strengths can you bring to this situation? How can you turn this challenge into a chance for growth?
And remember, awareness statements can be powerful.
Try this one on for size:
"I am in charge of my 7D chess capacity."
Let that sink in. Feel the power it gives you.
Neurospectacular you: celebrating your unique brain in a neurotypical world
You are not broken. You’re beautifully attuned to the world around you, and with practice, you can learn to navigate this gift in a way that feels good to you.
Your sensitivity and neurodivergence isn't a flaw - it's a unique way of experiencing and navigating the world.
It's time to recognise your 7D chess abilities as the source of superpowers.
Remember, you're not just playing the game - you have the capacity to see beyond it, to change the rules, to create new realities.
You're not just surviving in this complex world - you have the potential to thrive in it, to shape it, to make it better.
So go forth, my neurospectacular friend. Trust in your ability to navigate life's challenges. Use your Ferrari brain to zip past obstacles. Read the code of the Matrix and choose which parts of it you want to engage with.
You've got this.
big love
Belinda Noakes ❤️🔥
Lighthouse Keeper for TinyBrave